I see it.
The outlines of a massive tree

sunlight striking a pool at its roots.


The tree, both like me as a form of life/life-form and unlike me in being a different life form, yet in its stillness and serenity majestic aura, embodying a destination I envisage. Its roots recall the roots of my present domestic problems/challenges prompting the question “where have I gone wrong in this marriage/domestic situation/ostensible partnership which has suddenly taken on the dimensions of my worst fears, my deepest, unarticulated nightmare scenarios assuming an independent and dreaded life?”
I have gone wrong not only in the physical violence initiated by me but from the very beginning, in agreeing to terms at the beginning of the marriage that were denigration of my free will, of my rationale for being, because I did not understand the value of these primordial prerogatives. I thought they could be exchanged for marriage but a home based on denial of oneself is built on fraudulent foundations ands is already imperilled from the onset. The roots resented by my values, roots that fed my reason for being, were thought by me to be extendable from the limited ground of my own cultural life/psychological space into the ground represented by this relationships but this crisis demonstrates that that was not possible. The roots have met only partially nourishing soil. What of the roots in my pre-marriage history?
The roots in the history brought by Kemi to this relationship, what soil have they grown in? what soil do they represent? are they capable of spreading outward to fundamentally new soil different from the kind in which they have grown? I doubt it in this instance, yet, the strain of what might be my culpability, not of what I might self righteously be describing as a failure of judgment about culpability of values, but of acts not ennobling of the dignity of your erstwhile not in name only partner, strain absent the envelope of my mind. The roots of the “massive tree” do not only reflect the roots of my favourite symbol, the cosmic tree, which evokes the vitality of the cosmos as a living form, but the roots of my own self betrayal. The pool at the roots, a recollection of the pool at the roots of the Norwegian cosmic tree Yggdrasil, the well of Mimer, where Odin drank to gain his deep wisdom, after hanging from the tree for days in agonising vigil, is the pool I must drink from to work a way out of this crisis where three human beings have been brought into the world into an already compromised relationship, and its distortions have burst upon their lives in ways which I wonder how and whether they will ever understand but even the perpetrators do not fully understand, since each of the perpetrators claims its own innocence in the carnage of dreams. The pain of this crisis means that I must hang on the tree of pain and perplexity and agonised thought, till, I can drink of the lessons to be learnt from this experience, lessons that might not vouchsafed through contemplation, through thought alone but also through action based upon limited certainty, on faith in the validity of eventual outcomes in a fluid, volatile and little understood situation. So may the sunlight that glints of the pool /may/possibly re-enter this crisis/situation/debacle